The game I couldn’t play
Today I installed 007 First Light, a game I was crazy about and had been waiting a very long time to play. As soon as it finished installing, I opened it. And then I lost all the heart to play. All the courage, even.
A bad feeling settled into my chest. I should be more productive. I am wasting my time. What if I spend my entire life doing this?
That made me realize how hard I have been pushing myself lately. Last year I was not satisfied with my output, or with how I had progressed professionally. And a thought just took me over.
What if I just did whatever I wanted?
What if I spent my entire life doing whatever I want? My entire life, without feeling guilty, stressed, overwhelmed or anxious about it.
We have been taught, and mostly it’s true, that to win, you have to fight your feelings. You should strive to override them, go against the grain, live for the future. It will serve you right. But what if that is not true?
When going against the grain feels like time wasted
Because sometimes going against the grain feels like time wasted, heart wasted. Like today. It feels like what I have been doing all this time is not right in some way. When I try to be productive and disciplined, it just does not feel right, damn it.
Yes, I can win projects. I can earn more money and secure a promising future for myself. But it is costing me my now, and sometimes that feels like such an unfair deal. Sometimes it all feels like a blur. Why did I start all this, the content part, in the first place?
When the thing you love turns into work
It’s a long story, but precisely, I started creating content for myself. I wanted to make videos and post them on YouTube. Then I thought it would be a good idea to pursue my passion for creating content professionally. It would be such a dream, right? I’m not sure about it now.
I love creating content. I really do. That is why I’m writing this piece. But it has all become work, performative, like bondage. Something I love and hate almost simultaneously. Now I have the curse of following my dreams too.
And I have huge dreams. I want to live at least once in the USA (New York City, to be precise), Japan, England and Germany. I love India, but I want to live in all of these places. I want a really big mansion with a big rooftop and a garden where I can barbecue. I’m not sure what I would do with such a big mansion, but I want it. I want lots and lots of money. I’m not sure how much, because of this damn inflation, but a lot.
Most of all, I want peace. I want to live every year, every month, every day, every hour, every minute, every second, every goddamn millisecond, happy and at ease, with the maximum feeling of safety and security and...
Two identities, and a third one trying to make sense of them
It’s like I want to live both a mediocre and an exceptional life at the same time. I have two identities going in completely opposite directions, eating each other up, and a third one trying to bring them together, to make sense of both, and failing miserably.
So, I am a high achiever. I find meaning and happiness when I create something impactful, something really, really good. Most of the time, though, I am unhappy doing the same old repetitive tasks. They are important, but I have perfected them and don’t want to repeat them anymore. Yet they are what actually produce results for the brands and companies I work with. I don’t like them, but I do them because I know they matter, maybe even more than the exceptional, creative, crazy stuff. So I have to do them.
What I figured out while writing this
After writing this piece, I have come to a conclusion, quite naturally: maybe I have to live with it. I have figured out that I am made to live the life of a creator, a producer. That’s what I am. I love creating, and as long as I am creating, I will be happy. I have to integrate that somehow with the boring parts, find meaning in creating things, and move forward.
I’m not sure whether that’s the answer, because I only reached it while writing. But otherwise, it is a very bad feeling to live with.